Blog War, Back On

There has been a pause in the blog war thanks to my former roommate canceling the internet and TV at our place. Thanks to the great Nate I am back online and lashing out at Matt and his insensitive rants on his "blog". Now down to business.

First things first. Matt you would not even get close enough to my iPod with a Barg's before my Spidy sense would kick in. I would pounce on you like a tiger and wring your scrawny chicken throat with my powerful bear hands. Also we rarely use Fed-ex at the Bott. We use UPS. Shows how much you know.

I don't want this email to be simple retaliation to Matt's fancy, frilly live journal entry. Today we go on the offensive, starting now. Matt you smell bad. Not the kind of smell bad like "somebody didn't wear deodorant" smell bad. But the kind of smell like "Nate didn't shower for a week, ate nacho cheese and beer last night and is farting in your face" smell bad. Thats right, I pulled out a fart joke, the big guns.

Now some of you might not know about this but Matt is a bigot. That's right he likes big girls. Big, fat, smelly, gap tooth women. I guess this really shouldn't be an attack on Matt because somebody has to love them. I'm just glad it's him and not me. Really the thought just makes me sick. Matt though, his moto is "if there not twice my size, I just let them walk by".

Well Matt there you go. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Cry yourself to sleep tonight. I know that you usually do, but this time I want you sobbing uncontrollably even after your finally asleep.

-Yetep the Dominator

Matt's Post

Now a lot of you are asking. What did Matt post? And why is there no link to it? Well I'll tell you why. It's vulger an not for the faint of heart. So as a public service to all of my PG readers I present Matt's post, edited for content.

dear livejournal,

you know those 'behind the scenes' clips they put on dvds --- -- -- --- -- ------- --- -----? well consider this your 'behind the scenes' for my new job at dr. bott. first of all, my work colleague MICHAEL PETERSON has a blog now. http://www.yetep.blogspot.com/ --- he goes by the name of yetep. let me reiterate. mike peterson writes under the guise, yetep. ---- --- ----? is that -------- -- -- 'petey' backwards- -- that some old college nickname-

----------, peterson: YOU'RE -- IN COLLEGE -------. welcome to the real world, you ----- ----- school ---- monkey -----. ------ likes nicknames --------. real ------.

behind the scenes reveal #1: yetep at blogspot is really mike peterson - my ----- ----- *-----* supervisor who does more ----------/------ --------/---- ----/---- ------- -- work than ------ ----. --- (---------- ---------- -------) --------- ------ --- I ------ YOUR SISTER ---- ----- ----- ---- - ------- ---, MIKE.

second, have you ever wondered what exactly was on the hands of the ------ ----- guy that assembled your iPod case?
behind the scenes reveal #2: IT'S NOT A ------ ----- GUY, IT'S A ---------, ------- HIGHSCHOOL ----- WITH BRACES. and --- got ----- on his fingers from ------- his football -----, that or some of that ------ cheese ---- that covers your fingers after you eat half a bag of -------. he must've finished off that bag of ------ right after he finished calling the poor, -------, defenseless young ---- in assembly a -----, and shoved a -------- -------- in her face while making ---- --- ----- and pretending to not be a ------. this actually happened today.
-------.


so if you're cruising the net this week, looking for awesome, authentic blogs... ---- ------. and if you notice something ----- growing on your ---- case... send it back. that way ----- can make me clean it off with some goo gone while he ----- his ----.--- ------ and tries the third eye blind challenge (---------) in the -------. plus, i can get you a better one for cheaper.

also, i did it with yetep-- ------.


-Yetep the Dominator

Matt “I work in Assembly So I’m Smart” Firman (maybe how you spell it)

So there is this guy works at the same place that I do and he decided to “critique” my blog. To start with this guy doesn’t even have a blog, he has a Life Journal. Now I’m not one to criticize, but come on. A live journal, now that guy doesn’t have a life. Seriously, writing stuff on the internet and calling it a journal. Not that I’m saying anything about journals, but they are gay. Really, really gay. Village people gay, the kind of gay that is not happy, the "I like other men" gay, the "kissing other guys is cool" gay.

So anyways, I’m listening to Ill Mitch right now. Let me tell you, this guy is off the hook, but back to Matt. One thing that Matt goes “off” on is my nickname. Now I’m not sure if Matt is aware of this, but nicknames are cool. I didn’t get a nickname for doing things like hanging out in with the assembly people all day like Matt does. I got it because I did hardcore things, like punching people in the face as hard as I can. Also I do hardcore things like being ultra cool, dissing on peoples moms, following my heart, running around in circles and screaming, and helping old ladies cross the street. When people hear my nickname they tremble in fear and expectation of violence.

Matt does make a valid point in his “critique”, he makes mention that I’m not in college anymore. Really Matt, I didn’t notice. I thought that working full time for the last two years was college. I thought that if I was late for the Bott one more time that the teacher was going to fail me. But that’s ok though because I’m on the Bott basketball team and Baehler fakes my grades for me. Hey Matt I didn’t know if you noticed, but your not in Kansas anymore. That’s right, your in the Jungle, facing Yetep heads up in a game you can’t win because I’m hardcore, for real.

And your right Matt I write on my blog at work. I also do unproductive things like spinning in my chair, I set up elaborate traps to make people fall, sling my own poo, and yell like a monkey. In between all of that I find time to do my job, something that Matt is unfamiliar with. That is doing the job he is paid to do. He doesn’t do any work. Matt sits on his ass all day pretending that he is earning his paycheck. I believe that he thinks that he is working for the government.

So let’s review really quick. Matt is probably gay (he writes on a live journal, seriously), he is captain obvious, and he gets paid to try to stare a hole in the wall. Good job Matt, I’m sure you have some good points but I’m just going to over look them.

-Yetep the Dominator

The B Spot

As surprising as it may seem, I have no formal training in writing. Sure my dad’s a writer and I do have a college degree, but that doesn’t automatically make you a writer. Yet despite this great handicap I continue to plod on, writing without a care. And in that great spirit of barely knowing what is going on, we look at a blog that I like to call “The B Spot” (www.baehler.blogspot.com)

Now don’t be fooled by the name, Baehler is actually pronounced like Baylor. Why it’s not spelled that way, I have no idea. Same reasoning that is used for naming someone Sean and then telling everybody that it is pronounced Shawn. Anyways, now that I have that confusing bit out of the way we can delve into something important. What is this important subject? Well it’s the ocean. That’s right the ocean. I took quite a pounding this weekend from that big bully and I’m not standing for it. That’s right I’m calling out the ocean, right here on my blog for the whole world to see. You hear that ocean, you won this round, but next time I will own you.

Now one thing that I noticed right off the bat with The B Spot is that Dave posted pictures of his lovely daughters. Now this is a great piece to start off any blog with, epically when your target group is women between the ages of 2 and dead. Women just love cute little kids. My one problem is that Dave mentions that one of his little girls is waiting for her date with Joe. Now I’m not a parent and I’m not qualified to advise parents. All I’m saying is that you might want to wait till she is at least nine before you start letting her date.

This brings us to the movie review section of Dave’s blog. Now I think that these movie reviews are a breath of fresh air. Most movie reviews are long and boring pieces that just go on and on as if the writer is enjoying watching himself type. Now Dave just cuts right to the quick. You know right away what the scoop on the movie is. My only question is how does the naked mole rat thing work? My best guess is that you put five naked mole rats in a theater during the movie and when the movie is over you see how many did not die during the film. Sort of like canaries in the coal mines. This would then raise the question, where do you get the naked mole rats? Are there naked mole rat farmers? Is there a naked mole rat ranch?

Recently Dave posted a list of things he likes on his blog. Now this section is just utterly fascinating, giving us just a little peak into the brilliance of Baehler. The first thing he likes, get ready for this, hamburgers, fricking hamburgers. The guy’s in love with them, he eats them all the time. Wow! Now there is a little CSI work we can do with some of the other things that Dave likes. Apple Computer Products + Adobe Creative Suite + Star Wars = NERD. There is nothing more to say on that.

So all and all I think that Dave has a solid blog. Funny (but not in a sad way), personal (but not in a sad way), and nerdy (but not in a sad way). I give it five naked mole rats (I don’t think they knew what was going on). And I give this article 0 naked mole rats (those bastards deserved it)

-Yetep the Dominator

So You Like to Fish

So, I hear you like to fish. Well so does my friend Eliot. Only he probably likes to fish a whole lot more then you do. Honestly, that's all the guy fricking talks about with the exception of his wife and kids. But really, he likes fish, a lot, it ways that I don't understand, don't pretend to understand, and hope on my mothers grave (which does not exist yet) that I never do understand.

Eliot, God bless his soul, has a dream. That dream is to build drift boats. Not just any kind of half butt drift boat, but the best darn drift boat that anybody has ever seen. A drift boat that if God decided, in His infinite wisdom, to go fishing He would chose this boat. And by God, Eliot has made this boat. This boat goes beyond the wildest dreams of any drift boat fishier. It is everything that they could have hoped for and more. His divine dream is realized with Fin Chasers and the heavenly boat he has built. (See more at www.finchasers.com)

Now, due to a fortunate encounter, I had an opportunity to interview Eliot about Fin Chasers and his drift boat.

Yetep: So Eliot, you like to fish?

Eliot: Yetep, I love fishing just below my family and God. Dr. Bott finishes a close fourth. I have seriously considered putting in a stocked pond in my living room so that I could fish every day and still spend time with my family.

Yetep: A stocked pond in your living room? That seems like it's the best idea the world has ever heard.

Eliot: It is.

Yetep: Now tell me about this drift boat that you have created.

Eliot: Well pretty much it's the sweetest drift boat that you will ever see. Your typical drift boat is a crapy boat that the lowest biding contractor has built, cutting all kinds of corners to make a quick buck. Often times those drift boats don't even have hulls! My drift boat not only has a hull, but it has all kinds of things that make drift boat fishing the greatest experience of you drift boat fishing life. We have plush seats that move up and down the boat, and these seats have beer holders. Fricking beer holders! We spared no expense. There is even an iPod installed so that you can listen to No Doubt while you are having the greatest drift boating experience of your life.

Yetep: Sounds like you built the best boat man has ever seen

Eliot: I have.

Yetep: So now for a hard question. Why isn’t your website done yet?

Eliot: I’m lazy.

Yetep: O.K. talk about Fin Chasers

Eliot: It’s like Tail Chasers, but it’s Fin Chasers. We are looking for the finest piece of Fin that you can get. And to do that you need the pimpest drift boat that money can buy. That’s were I come in.

Yetep: You will probably win a Nobel Prize for this.

Eliot: Your right I will.

Yetep: Thanks for your time on this.

Eliot: That will be fifty bucks and bring me a diet Coke.

Blogs, Online Diary's or Tripe Central or A Little of Both With A Twist

Traditionally if people wanted there personal thoughts known to all they would have to do something hard. For example they could write something on a type writer or on papyrus or something else ancient, Make several copies and do a mass direct mail to everybody in the world. You could also try publishing a book of everything that went through your head and then give the books away by doing a mass direct mail to everybody in the world. Finally you could try to get on 60 Minutes.

Great news though. Now people have easy access to blogs like this one to post every idiot thought that comes into their head and everybody in the world can read it. It's truly a marvel of the modern world. I can get onto the internet and read about the personal problems of someone I will never meet, or get insight on what is happening in a small rural town that should be burned down for safety reasons, and finally I can read, or try to read, incoherent babble that 90% of blogers write. It's great, probably the biggest time waster invented since T.V. It's a testament to the fact that most of America is bored and looking for anything to pass the time. Even if it involves trying to write.

Yetep

Jari Hates My CD

Alright; it's time to get the word out there. Jari (if that really how you spell his name) does not like my new Christmas album at all. Now honestly that's not even a valid opinion. I'm all about people having their own opinions and ideas and stuff, but when those "ideas" and "opinions" don't match up with what I believe there will be trouble. Serious trouble. The kind of trouble that you have to use a cream on. The kind of trouble that involves a badger and fish oil. I think you get what I'm getting at.

Now I guess that Jari took offence to one song in particular. Yes, believe it or not, I'm talking about "California Funerals". The main premise of this song is that California and funerals obviously suck. It's not that hard to figure out. Apparently Jari was actually arguing with me while I was singing. Apparently he like's California. That obviously implies that he like's funerals too. Now tell me, what kind of sick, twisted person likes funerals. He probably just goes funeral crashing on the weekends for kicks. Come on Jari, get some help and learn to enjoy my cd.

-Yetep the Dominator